If it's not deathmatch, then it's...

...Slayer.

I've been meaning to post on Slayer, a divinely-endorsed band, for a while now, so here it goes.

In the grand scheme of metal, there are several defining acts that exist in a strict hierarchy.

Tier 1 - Black Sabbath and Judas Priest - founded in the same year (1968), these guys defined metal as a genre and have spawned numerous imitators.  Sabbath took blues to the next logical step by making it darker and edgier and are the most popular band in the sub-genre of "doom metal" in addition to being one of the most covered bands there is.  Priest fostered the relentless two-guitar attack, fast riffs, and crazy solos that have led to thrash, power, numerous other types of metal.  These are the metal gods.

Tier 2 - Iron Maiden and Motorhead - Two more British bands who were also founded in the same year (1975) and helped the development of their style. Maiden's combination of literature, history, war, and really long songs has arguably not been improved upon by anyone but them (according to their fans).  A heavy metal band for everyone and one of the big influences on power metal.  Motorhead is basically music for bikers.  They took heavy riffs and sang about what big, angry men like to talk about while acting as progenitors to thrash metal.

It should be noted that Black Sabbath is currently on hiatus (last active in 2007), Priest is still active, Maiden just released a new album, and motorhead is still active.  That is between 35 and 42 years of hard rocking for these bands.

Tier 3 - The 80's were a great decade for music and a bad decade for hair.  They also saw a guitar virtuoso boom (see Yngwie Malmsteen, Marty Friedman, Jason Becker, etc.).  Rock and roll had gotten showy in an almost sickening way.  Thrash metal was the pendulum swinging in the other direction.  Out from the depths of hell came the big four: Metallica, Anthrax, Megadeth, and Slayer.  Hell yeah.  Thrash brought us bleak subject matter, insane instrumental prowess, and a new definition for the image of the hard rocker/metal-head.

For scale, there are thousands of metal acts out there, and these are the biggest ones.

To reiterate, Slayer is one of the biggest metal acts in existence, and they've been going at it for almost thirty years.  The lineup has been relatively consistent:

Tom Araya - Bass, Vocals (writes music and lyrics)
Jeff Hanneman - Lead/Rhythm guitar (writes music and lyrics)
Kerry King - Lead/Rhythm guitar (writes music and lyrics)
Dave Lombardo (Godfather of the Double Bass) - Drums (only band member to be replaced, but he's back now)

They have released 11 studio albums, with lyrics mostly focused on the evil inherent in man, warfare, hell, death, hell, blood, and hell.  They also have one of the most rabid fan bases in existence.   To say to a Slayer fan that any of their members is not the master of his craft and that Slayer is not the greatest band in existence is to invite angry pain.

With that said, here is the point of this post: I do not like Slayer.  They are a bad band.  I feel bad for listening to them.

Slayer has always held something of a morbid fascination to me, and since they are so influential, I decided that I want to make an informed decision about them. In the past weeks, I have gone into the belly of the abyss and listened to every studio album produced by Slayer that features songs by Slayer.  I have braved the depths of hell and the horrors of war in auditory marathons that leave my already jaded ears reeling.

Their riffs tend to simply be tremolo picking punctuated by short descending riffs, their solos are chaotic and mostly about squealing and dissonance, their drum beats, while difficult to play, tend simply be fast and uninteresting.  Then there are the vocals.  I'll bet there are some interesting concepts in the lyrics, but they are IMPOSSIBLE to understand.  Also, Tom Araya has only two settings: fast yelling, and drawn-out yelling.  What he does in any song is the equivalent of having the final explosion of an action movie on repeat (you know, the one where the bad guy dies, and the hero walks away from it in slow motion).  There are no dynamics in Araya's performances (yes, there are other metal bands where vocal dynamics are present, even in death metal, e.g. Gojira, Opeth).  All the flaws described here are evident when Slayer does a cover.  Slayer, I am disappoint.

There is some good that has come out of Slayer, though.  They have roughly one song per album that I can tolerate.  They also have one album that I have found at least 50% enjoyable: Seasons in the Abyss, their fifth in the studio.  Listen to Skeletons of Society.  It's their best song, period.  Everything that Slayer does in that song is the opposite of what I don't like about them: the solos make sense, main riff is driving without making you want to hyperventilate, the vocals are clear and dynamic, and the drums show that Lombardo is actually a good drummer and not just a fast drummer.

Other than that one album, Slayer's good points from my understanding essentially revolve around their influence.  They influenced many thrash metal acts that came after them and have become the gold standard for how hard an album is.  They have also had a hefty influence on death metal, but the titans of that genre are Death (some argue that the genre is named after them), and they were founded shortly after Slayer).  The most pervasive element of their influence, however, is their image.  Slayer is what people picture when they think of a metal band: a band of dirty guys playing fast, dissonant songs while yelling.  While that image isn't necessarily a good thing, it does serve as a means to winnow those who can stand really hard metal from those who can't and lets you know what to expect.

The image is also good for countering the 80's rock and roll stereotype depicted in this video by the Beastie Boys.  Some fun trivia: Kerry King (guitarist for Slayer) is a fan of the Beastie Boys and played the solo in the aforementioned song.  When filming the video, they wanted to have King start playing the solo, and then get pushed off the stage by a gorilla, who would finish the solo.  King refused, saying that if anyone was knocking anyone off the stage, he'd be knocking the gorilla off the stage.  This is exactly what happened.

What happens when you combine anti-pop and pork soda?

You get Primus!

I realized recently that I have not been providing the metal that I promised for this blog lately, so here we go.

I tell you a story of two disparate genres.  Two boon companions torn asunder by a world that does not understand them.  Two devoted subcultures of music destined to form into one.  I am, of course, referring to metal and funk.

Funk: Sweet licks from guitars with chorus and wah effects and smooth drum beats that take advantage of the hi-hat pedal (pianos as well, if you're so inclined).  Slap 'dat bass and get on up like a sex machine.  Note how repetitive the music in that song is.  If you think that's bad, try listening to Parliament (the baby of George Clinton, who now has a copyright on "Bow wow wow yipeeo yipeeyay bow wow yipeeo yipeeyay").  Funk has been a very influential style and when it's good, it's great and has fantastic staying power.

Metal: The heavy stuff.  Harder than rock.  Fast, distorted guitars with long, fast solos. (distorted) Bass of both fast and slow styles.  Fast drum beats (probably the only place where you'll find double bass drums being used).  Add keyboards to taste.  Oh, and abrasive vocals.  Metal is the manliest of musical styles.

Music being what it is, these two styles have fused in a few bands of note to some interesting effects.  Recently, I have had a hard time not listening to Primus, love child that Les Claypool had with his bass.  Claypool himself used to play thrash metal, so he's very accustomed to the no holds barred, balls-out playing style that accompanies a metal band.  He even auditioned for Metallica after renowned bassist Cliff Burton died.  In Primus, Claypool finds a very cool fusion of alternative rock, metal, and funk.  Primus songs are rife with fast slapping bass riffs that denote a level of technical skill beyond any other bassist I've ever heard.  Listen to this guy.  As far as songwriting goes, Claypool is essentially the Frank Zappa of bass, so expect really weird lyrics and off-the wall musical style that goes from classical to thrash-y to experimental, but is always funky.  Oh yeah, there are two other guys in the band (who are both great), but the driving force behind the band is good ol' Les who has done a few side projects and solo tracks.

For beginning Primus listeners, I would not recommend going straight for an entire album due to the odd and inconsistent nature of the songwriting.  Try out the hits, and if you like them, check out the albums (e.g. Anti-Pop and Pork Soda).  My personal endorsements go out to:

- Tommy the Cat
- John the Fisherman [featured on Guitar Hero 2]
- Wynona's Big Brown Beaver [it's about a rodent]
- Jerry Was a Racecar Driver [featured on Tony Hawk's Pro Skater and Rock Band 3]
- Electric Uncle Sam
- Mr. Knowitall
- Nature Boy

For all of the oddness of Primus' fusion of genres, they aren't the only funk metal band out there.  Unfortunately, many of the others are bad.  I can certainly recommend Rage Against the Machine, but it feels like a cop-out because these guys span hip-hop/rap, funk, metal, punk, and maybe even industrial.  They do have their specifically funky songs, though.  Faith No More is another genre-spanning band that is more specifically funk-oriented and cares a lot about killer bees.  Then, of course, there's Maximum the Hormone.  The full version of that song is actually pretty decent.

I can give a tentative recommendation to The Infectious Grooves, who some may call more of a hardcore punk/funk (hardcore pfunk?) band than funk metal.  Infectious Grooves includes the only consistent member of Suicidal Tendencies, "Cyco" Mike Muir as well as Suicidal Tendencies and Metallica bassist, Robert Trujillo.

An explanation...

...of why Flask and I have to be at odds: if we were to join forces, then the combination of our mad sciences would result in something like this:

You're welcome.

There are no words...

http://www.dwsmg.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/1264452505_big-bear-doin-thangs.jpg

From "The Worst Hiphop Album Covers of All Time" (of ALL TIME!).

Thanks, HTMC.